What are my emotional needs?
Although it is not something we learnt in school, or a topic that tends to come up over coffee, as human beings we all have core emotional needs that are essential for our psychological health and wellbeing. There are a number of models of emotional needs, but according to schema therapy developed by Dr. Jeffrey Young, these needs are:
1. Secure Attachments to Others
2. Autonomy, Competence, and Sense of Identity
3. Freedom to Express Valid Needs and Emotions
4. Spontaneity and Play
5. Realistic Limits/Boundaries and Self-Control
Schema therapy is based on the idea that individuals develop certain core beliefs or ‘schemas’ about themselves, others, and the world around them in response to early life experiences. These schemas can be adaptive or maladaptive, and when maladaptive, can cause emotional distress and interfere with healthy relationships and life goals.
Schema therapy deserves it own article, but in brief, it helps people identify and change their maladaptive schemas through a combination of cognitive, behavioural, and experiential techniques.
Here we start at the very start and explore what our core emotional needs are, and how they impact our lives.
1. Secure Attachments to Others
This is our need for safety, nurturance, acceptance and connection. Human infants survival is completely dependent on their attachment to their caregivers and this need is hardwired into us all from birth. When a caregiver responds consistently to the child's needs the child learns that they can rely on their caregiver, which helps them to develop a sense of trust and security.
When this need is met, we feel safe, loved, supported, valued, and confident to branch out and explore the world. When it is not met, we may struggle with trust, feel insecure, and experience loneliness, anxiety, a sense of isolation or find it difficult to form close relationships.
2. Autonomy, Competence, and Sense of Identity
This is our need for independence, to be in charge of ourselves, be able to make decisions in line with our values and goals, feel capable of contributing to the world around us, and importantly to have a separate sense of self identity.
When this need is met, we feel confident, capable, and empowered. We have a strong sense of who we are and what is important to us, which leads to feelings of self-esteem and purpose. When it is not met, we may experience feelings of low self esteem, inadequacy, helplessness, fearfulness, frustration, or a lack of direction or purpose.
3. Freedom to Express Valid Needs and Emotions
This refers to our need to express ourselves honestly and authentically, without fear of judgment or rejection. This includes being able to express our emotions, such as sadness, anger, joy, and fear, as well as our needs, such as the need for support, validation, and understanding.
When we are able to express our emotions and needs, we feel seen and heard and that our experiences are valid and we are not alone in our struggles. This can lead to greater self-awareness, emotion regulation, resilience, and connection with others.
When we are not able to express our emotions and needs, we may feel frustrated, misunderstood, and disconnected from others. We may learn to suppress our emotions as not important, leading to feelings of anxiety or depression, struggle to communicate effectively, or we may act out in unhealthy ways to try to get our needs met.
4. Spontaneity and Play
Spontaneity refers to the need for novelty, excitement, and surprise in our daily lives. When we have opportunities for spontaneity, we can break out of our routines and experience new things, which can lead to feelings of excitement, curiosity, and engagement with the world around us.
Play refers to the need for fun, creativity, and enjoyment. When we engage in play, we can tap into our imaginations, explore new possibilities, and experience a sense of freedom and joy.
When we are able to meet our need for spontaneity and play, we can experience greater levels of happiness, fulfilment, and creativity in our lives. These core emotional needs are not just important for children, but adults too!
When it is not met, we may experience feelings of boredom, stagnation, apathy, stress, and a lack of motivation.
5. Realistic Limits/Boundaries and Self-Control
Realistic limits/boundaries refer to the need for structure and safety in our lives. When we have clear and consistent boundaries, we know what is expected of us and can feel safe and secure in our environment. This includes physical boundaries, such as rules and guidelines for behaviour, as well as emotional boundaries, such as healthy communication and respect for others.
Self-control refers to the ability to regulate our own behaviour and impulses. We can resist temptations and delay gratification, which can lead to greater self-esteem and a sense of personal responsibility. This includes being able to manage our emotions, such as anger or frustration, and make healthy choices that align with our values and goals.
When our need for realistic limits/boundaries and self-control is not met we may experience feelings of chaos, impulsivity, and a lack of direction.
Ok so those are my emotional needs, where to from here?
Our core emotional needs are an essential part of our well-being. For most people, we have experienced times in our lives when some of these needs were not met. Humans are amazingly adaptive and when we have unmet needs we find many different creative ways to manage.
In brief, we can internalise the belief that our needs will not be met and then carry our once adaptive coping mechanisms forward with us like a blueprint for life. This can mean that the ways we developed to help us at once point in time can end up keeping us stuck.
For example, a child whose emotional needs were not acknowledged in their family may internalise the belief ‘it is easier to just work things out myself ‘, learn to suppress their emotions, and become overly independent. This can work for awhile, and maybe even serve them well in the work force, however as an adult they may struggle with feeling lonely, lost, and have difficulty with relationships.
It's important first to recognise what our core emotional needs are, which ones feel fulfilled, and which less so? what do i need more of? does one or more feel foreign to you? Our emotions are our compass here.
We can reflect on the patterns of how we currently respond to our emotional needs, for example, do we invalidate or judge ourselves for having emotional needs in a way we wouldn’t with a physical need?
I don’t often hear people giving themselves a hard time for being hungry or needing to go to the bathroom but i have heard a lot of inner critics get really loud when people acknowledge a vulnerable emotion.
It is powerful to start with accepting, naming and validating our emotional needs. Review the 5 needs above, and come up with your own names for them. We can think of each one like its own fuel gauge on a dashboard, practice checking in and noticing where each need is sitting.
We can then work on different ways to meet our needs. This may involve seeking support from others, self-care, goal setting, lifestyle changes, setting boundaries, and developing healthy emotion regulation strategies.
For more information on schema therapy check out Reinventing your life by Dr Jeffrey Young & Dr Janet Klosko. As always if you are struggling or seeking support please feel free to get in touch.
